The Best Gift

Today my oldest baby is 27. I played over and over for her the lyrics to "The Best Gift" by Barbra Streisand. I am trying so hard to focus on positive memories - why do the horrible ones overshadow?
Like the year 1997, knowing I had to bring Tony  to the hospital 12/26, knowing he would probably start actively dying, barring a miracle.
The 1995 - last normal Christmas with him hoping the lump would react to the antibiotics he was on. Needless to say, it didn't. The first one without him, in 1998, when I had my first panic attack a few days before, went through the motions, then got the flu with Ashley Christmas night. The Christmas Eve Bo got hit by a car and spent the night in the vet hospital. He was okay though.
I miss when my girls were little and I made yarn loops to count down the days till Santa came. And the Advent calendar, where every year, Ashley ate the whole months worth of chocolate by Dec. 3 and always got a second one. Wonder why she's spoiled. When she climbed on a chair to reach the top of the refrigerator to get the candy.
Tony and I got engaged on Christmas of 1981. Wayne and I got engaged on Christmas of 2006. Those were good ones.
Now I live in a place the both of us can't leave too long, since we have to keep a fire going for survival and heat, we've had trespassers, and the pipes could freeze. And the girls dogs have to be taken care of. It's really hard, and I'm really tired.
So good health, and good luck, and love, is all I wish for. And peace.

Hunting season

Well, the good news is there was very light traffic this morning. The bad news is, that's because it's hunting season. Grown men are out there with guns. And they are not all the brightest bulbs. First of all, why do you need to drive a camo Hummer when you live in suburbia? WTF do you think you could possibly need that ugly, gas guzzling tank to do for you? Get a good spot at Wal-Mart?
Okay, I know some people hunt to eat. Not talking about them. (Also, I believe that is one percent, if that). Why yes, bears can be a nuisance and a few of them are aggressive. HELLO???? Have you met the population? Of people? MOST of them are a nuisance, and many of them are aggressive. When do I get to sit in a tree and pick them off? Never - that's murder.
And the deer are going to be hit by cars. Well, the people are going to die of something too. Start loading! And I know from last year that the geniuses set up a "weigh station" or whatever the hell you call it, at the most congested traffic light on my way home. So yes, again, it's all about me. I do not want to sit in traffic, but I REALLY don't want to watch these Bubbas with their dead trophies.
I see the wildlife on my property, and it is so awesome. The thought of killing any of them for sport makes me want to vomit. It isn't nature - that takes care of itself. It's morons who think they are manly by killing. Not so different from some of those in prison. Shit. I hate this time of year. "Peace on earth, good will toward man, now ready, aim, fire."

I'm so happy to help you!

Why do some people think they are entitled to everything? If a doctor has about 600 patients, why should the lowly office manager remember the details of 600 insurance plans? You have ONE insurance - if you can't keep track of it, how the hell do you think I can?
And leaving a voice mail, with no phone number, and identifying yourself as "Mary". Oh gee, that narrows it way down! And make sure you speak so slowly through the message, with every boring fact that has nothing to do with the call; then, when you are going to leave your call back number, babble it so fast that I have to replay the message from hell three times to get your number!
Then, call at 9 and ask a standard, non-urgent, question. Then, call back at 9:10 to see what the Dr. said. The doctor said nothing!!The doctor is seeing patients and doesn't need to be alerted to your call. Everyone is so me-me-me.
And I'm not talking about sick people. Really sick people will get the attention they deserve; they also are the ones who are "sorry to bother you, but since my arm is falling off, can I come in next week sometime?" Whereas the grown men who wake up with a runny nose need to be seen ASAP!! "How long has your throat been sore?"  "Since I woke up!!" Have a lozenge and drink some tea.
Do not describe your bowel movements to the receptionist when you call. Especially since you think it's connected to your runny nose. It isn't.
And when you are 40 years old, do NOT have your mommy make your appointment. I then ask "How old is little Johnny?" and the mother says "40, but he's young for his age". Make that stupid for any age.
And please don't ask me why the law can't change so that we keep only YOUR chart way longer than seven years. It is seven years since we last had contact  with you. So if you call in 2002, then call back in 2011, don't act like we have lost the secrets to the universe.
And, one more thing. Don't call me to ask if your prescription is ready. Do we look like a pharmacy? Do we sell candy and cigarettes? How about you call the pharmacy? They should know if they have filled your prescription.
Okay, time to smile and deal with it all!

I am not kidding

I am on hold with Horizon, trying to get the 2.00 owed to us on a claim. Swear to you, my representative's first name is Bon Jovi. I just give up. Are things this bad? Have they run out of all other names to make up? Can I get Cher please??

Goodbye, Regis

Why was I more emotional than Regis Philbin on his last show? Well, he has had a wonderful career and life and is loved by many. I wasn't a total wreck, but I was about on par with Kelly Ripa - and she's getting the whole show!
I met Regis and Kathie Lee many years ago when a friend and I went to their show. They stood on stage after the show and greeted and signed autographs for anyone in the audience who wanted. I had Kathie Lee sign - a baby picture of my Ashley. Lori (my friend) had Regis sign my Amanda's picture. (We had no paper with us at all - it's what was in my wallet).
And I still like Kathie Lee. I love her album that I still listen to. She seems kind.  And Regis seemed like what you see is what you get. A nice man.
Television has often made me cry. When Gary got killed on "Thirtysomething", I didn't sleep that night. I also cried when Boner joined the service on "Growing Pains". And I am a mess on the final episode of any show; even if I never really watched it alot, tell me it's over and I'm there. Then I curse that I didn't watch it enough.
A lot like life - appreciate it when it's here - not when it's ending!!

Music, Music, Music

They have started playing all Holiday music on the stupid radio station. This started November 14. Come on!! What's worse is, they don't have a large selection of songs.
I realize that my favorite Christmas songs are really sad. My all time favorite is "My Grown Up Christmas List".  When I heard the song the first time, Tony had cancer and the line "No more lives torn apart" really touched me. I still love that song. But really, we all have our life soundtracks.
I must admit there is a long disco period; mostly Cher. But, at the same time, I had my Barry Manilow.  I had an embarrassing habit of writing lyrics of songs to express my feelings. I no longer do that - now I just write the lyrics in my journal.  And my theme for a long time now is the line "I'm forced to fake a smile, a laugh, every day of my life. My heart can't possibly break when it wasn't even whole to start with".
When Wayne and I were dating, a song came on and he said "Hey! That's my song!" and it was "Angry Young Man".  I said the next song that played on the radio would be me. I asked for it. The next one was Queen. "Fat Bottomed Girls". Really.  So after that, I said the next one would represent our relationship; "Highway to Hell" came on. I can't make this up.
But somehow, even with the sad songs speaking to me, country music is so real life; a lot of it expresses disappointment, but moving on. "Bye, bye, love, I'll catch you later, got a lead foot down on my accelerator, and I ain't looking back" is the perfect divorce song.
But, even with all the negative, there are two Gloria Estefan songs that really sum up my feelings; "Coming Out of the Dark" and "Always Tomorrow".
So, "Dream On", "Don't Stop Thinking About Tomorrow", "Nothing's Gonna Stop Us Now" and "Put On Your Sunday Clothes" when you feel down and out! and "Don't Rain on My Parade"!

I should've known at the senior prom

Okay, so maybe I should've known my life wouldn't  go according to plan when my prom date left with another guy.
I should start at the beginning. I will use initials for all the characters, who are real people. A few weeks before the prom, my loser boyfriend broke up with me.
I called every single male I knew to go with me. No luck. Let me mention at this time one of my best friends was a guy, T, who I was in denial about, but was gay.  Now my best girlfriend, R, had a boyfriend who lived in Oklahoma and couldn't come, so T was to be her prom date. My mother girlfriend, D, had a boyfriend who was 28 and , technically, married. So she couldn't tell her family about him, and pretended T was to be her date. (All the moms loved him).
Well, T tells me to invite S - an old boyfriend of mine who I broke up with after he gave my father the finger. I wasn't allowed to hang out with him. So, I pretend T is my date.
T picks up R, presents her a corsage, and poses for pictures. T picks up D, does the picture thing, and drops D at the garage where her date awaits (he owned the garage). Now R and T come get me, pretending we are picking up R's date on the way; pictures, blah, blah.
We pick up S on the way.
About an hour into the prom, R and I notice our "dates" are gone. I have forgotten to mention that one of the reasons I broke with S was he thought he was attracted to men (I had something important on my 17 year old mind, like my hair or something).
After some asking, it was determined the boys had gone out to "get a beer". Uh huh. R then asked me what kind of losers go to the prom with guys who would rather be with each other. I told her exactly what kind of losers, and she was speaking to one, and she was the other.

I want to start over

There's a theory that we pick our path in life before we're born. Well, I think I must have been lazy and got on the short line. The one where life will continue to be disappointing, heartbreaking and hard.
The long line was probably the one where your biggest problem would be getting a convenient nail appointment.
I have no patience for whiny princesses (and they come in men, too) who cannot handle the least little problem. Oh No! I have to clean out the garage. Well, gee, we have to make firewood to have heat to stay alive. We have to cover the stuff outside with tarps because we can't afford to build the barn.
People get upset when they don't get the play tickets they prefer; it's a good week when we can afford gas to get to work, gas to run the saw to make the wood to heat, and dog food. Ice cream from the supermarket is a treat.
A broken nail is not a tragedy; being on line to pick up the anti nausea drugs for your dying husband is a bit worse.
I once heard a woman say "I told him, if I can't have a new minivan, I don't want anything!" and her assisine friends were in agreement.
I see horrible parents whose kids grow up and adore them. Can't do enough for them. I loved and coddled and adored my babies, and they hate my husband and tolerate me. Life is so hard. And I'm whining again and I'm sorry - but at least you're invited to my pity party.

Life and Grief

When Tony, my first husband, was 36, he got cancer. It was Hodgkin's Lymphoma. The "good" kind. It had been curable for several decades. He did everything right, from treatment to the best attitude in the world. Two years later, he died at home.
Hundreds of people came to his wake. All said "If there's anything I can do...." and I'm sure they meant it.  Why is it then, that my two kids (HIS two kids, also), who were only 10 and 13 at the time, and I were so easily forgotten? Don't get me wrong - some people were wonderful - and still are.
But did anyone wonder what it was like to raise two kids on your own on a receptionist's salary? And why did anyone wonder why, after ten years or so, everything caught up with me? That I had mortgaged myself into a huge hole to provide for my kids?
I know many people have it far, far worse than I do. I'm not comparing. But sometimes I think if each of those people who offered help sent me $10.00, I wouldn't be in such a mess.
Wow - that's not what I intended to write. I wanted to mention my Bereavement Support Group. Going on over six years now, I have met the most incredible people. And that has been a real blessing - I have forged a closeness with people I never would have met otherwise. My best friend is a woman I met at the Teen Bereavement Camp I bribed my girls to attend (Backstreet Boys tickets were involved).
And I would do anything in the world to bring Tony back - anything. But since I don't have that power, I AM grateful for the blessings of the beautiful people I now know. And THAT'S what this post was going to be about!
Good night all!

This is Horizon, how may I help you?

I have been being pleasant to people for a living for thirty years. When I snap, it's gonna be ugly. Take this fun exchange; I call the health insurance company, and while I have done this countless times, it's always a new adventure.
The company has two employees - Miss Jones and Mr. Smith. I think that's why the wait on the phone is so long. Ah, lucky day! Miss Jones!! Except this is a new Miss Jones, and I think she started the job 30 minutes ago with no training. Guess the other Miss Jones gave up - she'd have to. She knew what she was doing. Today I am calling to find out why a claim was denied. I give them all the info. They tell me they have no record of receiving said claim. I, quite nicely, ask how they sent a denial of a claim they never received. I have stumped Miss Jones. She repeats her script, asking me to resubmit. Of course I will - we need to receive the $7.24 they will eventually pay my employer, a medical specialist. Miss Jones does not grasp the concept of denying something that doesn't exist in their world. I have spent 40 minutes (29 on hold) to try to beg this billion dollar company to send my office less that a cheap pizza special price. I am exhausted and I just got here.

Life behind a dump truck

Commuting is interesting. For many years, I worked within a few miles of home. For the past year and a half, I've been commuting 22 miles each way. I know - many people do way more than that and I have no right to complain. I do love my job now, which makes it worthwhile.
Within the past two months, I have seen parts of the county I didn't know existed. Detours started with Hurricane Irene and continued with the October snowstorm. Dodging trees, power lines, road crews, joggers (??), and the usual array of suicidal wildlife became the norm.
I have a three minute window of opportunity to leave in the morning before all traffic hell breaks loose.
New this month is a line of dump trucks that all want to be first in line when the sandpit opens. They will cut you off as if their lives depend upon it, to then pull over to the shoulder to wait for admittance.  Why are the dump trucks behind me always in a huge hurry, flashing their lights, cursing at me as I round a dark bend? The same truck will pass me and suddenly become Mr. Law and Order driving below the speed limit. And, I must point out, we all end up stopped at the same red light at the same time.
Most truck drivers are probably decent people; some are really scary.
And when I am within my window of opportunity and leave on time, it really annoys me when anything slows me down. Like the loose horse on the highway yesterday, with the poor woman trying to catch him. I felt so sorry for her; but no one got hurt and the horse was led back with a bucket of food (I relate!). That's something that I understand; Bubba in a hurry and tailgating I do not understand. Back off Bubba.

How do people do this?

Took me ten minutes to find myself (literally, not spiritually) - I hope this gets easier because I have so many things to say!!

I know that 50 isn't old. But it hit me recently that I will be 50 in three months. How did that happen? My life has not gone at all the way I thought it might. Granted, I should have prepared better, and I made some wrong choices. But come on! I'm a nice person and I never hurt anyone if it can be avoided. So why do I usually have less than 10.00 in my wallet, and not much more any where else?
I work. I've always worked. I'll explain more as time goes on. Right now I have a job I really like. This is big news in my life, because there have been quite a few duds.
I can honestly choose "all of the above" to marital status. Right now I am married.  I can also truthfully say that my therapist married the dentist that fired me because my husband had cancer.
Lots more to come.
Linda