Why can I remember most of my second grade classmates, but not to stop for bread? I think I have so much useless information clogging my brain that there isn't enough disc space left.
But the worst part is not being able to forget things I don't want to remember. With no intention, I remember almost every date when Tony had important doctors' appointments. The first cold day brings back the horrible day of diagnosis. I remember like it was yesterday, not 16 years ago, walking outside to breathe after the doctor told me it was malignant and that he would tell Tony when he woke up. And being afraid to go back in the hospital and life as we knew it coming to an end. With an 8 and 10 year old.
The death anniversary is coming up, and while I feel much better than I did in the past, I still feel so sad and can remember the "countdown". The Sunday in the coma in the living room, and he died Monday morning. The last thing he said to me was "Get some rest - you need to sleep and take care of yourself".
These are memories I both treasure and detest. I wish I could remember the good, without all the bad. But that is life isn't it? Can't enjoy the good as much without the bad.
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
Monday, February 27, 2012
Now I can't complain anymore!
Since all I usually do is complain here, I need to shut myself up and express thanks. I am so grateful to my family and friends for the incredible birthday weekend. First of all, I really am thankful that I am 50 (sputter, spit, sigh), since poor Tony only lived to be 38. And I am lucky to have a husband that loves me and does so much work for me - starting when he fixed my old house so the bank would allow someone to buy it, as opposed to foreclosure; that saved my butt. Thank God for Short Sale! And all the car repairs, heat, hot water, roads, plumbing, electric, homemade pizza, and baked goods!!
My daughters, who even though they don't always act it, showed so much love by giving me the party (that my parents helped so much with - another thanks!).
My friends, who showed up even though they should be sick of me by now.
And my "angels" - won't embarrass anyone, but there are a few people who have moved me beyond words with their generosity; you have no idea how much you have helped. One was just yesterday, the other has been ongoing for quite a while.
This is just a giant THANK YOU!!
And soon I will be back to complaining again.
My daughters, who even though they don't always act it, showed so much love by giving me the party (that my parents helped so much with - another thanks!).
My friends, who showed up even though they should be sick of me by now.
And my "angels" - won't embarrass anyone, but there are a few people who have moved me beyond words with their generosity; you have no idea how much you have helped. One was just yesterday, the other has been ongoing for quite a while.
This is just a giant THANK YOU!!
And soon I will be back to complaining again.
Thursday, February 9, 2012
The real working poor
I won't get into politics. I have my views, but no one really cares to hear them. My problem with all politicians is that they really have NO idea what it's like to be poor.
They picture street people doing drugs, living in shelters. They think children don't know they are supposed to work. They think people enjoy the degrading act of using food stamps.
I would like them to live MY life - and many people are far worse than I am. I work, Wayne works. Through a lot of bad luck, much of which was my lack of a college education, my dead first husband, and the economy crashing, I have pretty much lost everything. But I did send my girls to school, not as much help as I wanted to be.
People know I live in a truck. Yet they still ask if I went to this or that restaurant, or a social thing. It is a struggle to keep the mud off my clothes to get to work. It's a choice between gas in the car or a haircut for 30.00. My hair has not been cut in 14 months - not by choice. I am only maybe 15,000 short and I will have a real life again - one with a house! And all the people who pretend to care about others would never "donate" a few bucks a week to a real family in trouble; they will talk the talk and take themselves out. If I had a friend or family member or acquaintance who was living a very difficult life, where every day you literally have to work to survive - make the wood for the heat, keep the fire safe, protect from storms, clear the road to get to work - I would send them a few bucks before I bought a needless trinket. But politicans certainly do NOT understand that that happens to real people. You might not know by looking at me that I play beat the bank every payday to eat and gas up the car for work. And that an extra expense of $50 really hurts. If anyone asks, this is not directed to anyone in particular - it is meant to open everyone's eyes to the reality "regular" people live right now.
So when people tell me all about their wonderful experiences, I'm not so much jealous, as shocked that they can be so self-absorbed that they tell me about it as if I can relate. The last trip I took was 3 days at the shore almost 5 years ago for my honeymoon. And that's reality for a lot of people.
So, Mr. Gingrich, instead of having the school children put the custodians out of work, perhaps YOU should live like a real person for a while. Wonder if Calista will stick around if you live in a truck.
They picture street people doing drugs, living in shelters. They think children don't know they are supposed to work. They think people enjoy the degrading act of using food stamps.
I would like them to live MY life - and many people are far worse than I am. I work, Wayne works. Through a lot of bad luck, much of which was my lack of a college education, my dead first husband, and the economy crashing, I have pretty much lost everything. But I did send my girls to school, not as much help as I wanted to be.
People know I live in a truck. Yet they still ask if I went to this or that restaurant, or a social thing. It is a struggle to keep the mud off my clothes to get to work. It's a choice between gas in the car or a haircut for 30.00. My hair has not been cut in 14 months - not by choice. I am only maybe 15,000 short and I will have a real life again - one with a house! And all the people who pretend to care about others would never "donate" a few bucks a week to a real family in trouble; they will talk the talk and take themselves out. If I had a friend or family member or acquaintance who was living a very difficult life, where every day you literally have to work to survive - make the wood for the heat, keep the fire safe, protect from storms, clear the road to get to work - I would send them a few bucks before I bought a needless trinket. But politicans certainly do NOT understand that that happens to real people. You might not know by looking at me that I play beat the bank every payday to eat and gas up the car for work. And that an extra expense of $50 really hurts. If anyone asks, this is not directed to anyone in particular - it is meant to open everyone's eyes to the reality "regular" people live right now.
So when people tell me all about their wonderful experiences, I'm not so much jealous, as shocked that they can be so self-absorbed that they tell me about it as if I can relate. The last trip I took was 3 days at the shore almost 5 years ago for my honeymoon. And that's reality for a lot of people.
So, Mr. Gingrich, instead of having the school children put the custodians out of work, perhaps YOU should live like a real person for a while. Wonder if Calista will stick around if you live in a truck.
Thursday, December 22, 2011
The Best Gift
Today my oldest baby is 27. I played over and over for her the lyrics to "The Best Gift" by Barbra Streisand. I am trying so hard to focus on positive memories - why do the horrible ones overshadow?
Like the year 1997, knowing I had to bring Tony to the hospital 12/26, knowing he would probably start actively dying, barring a miracle.
The 1995 - last normal Christmas with him hoping the lump would react to the antibiotics he was on. Needless to say, it didn't. The first one without him, in 1998, when I had my first panic attack a few days before, went through the motions, then got the flu with Ashley Christmas night. The Christmas Eve Bo got hit by a car and spent the night in the vet hospital. He was okay though.
I miss when my girls were little and I made yarn loops to count down the days till Santa came. And the Advent calendar, where every year, Ashley ate the whole months worth of chocolate by Dec. 3 and always got a second one. Wonder why she's spoiled. When she climbed on a chair to reach the top of the refrigerator to get the candy.
Tony and I got engaged on Christmas of 1981. Wayne and I got engaged on Christmas of 2006. Those were good ones.
Now I live in a place the both of us can't leave too long, since we have to keep a fire going for survival and heat, we've had trespassers, and the pipes could freeze. And the girls dogs have to be taken care of. It's really hard, and I'm really tired.
So good health, and good luck, and love, is all I wish for. And peace.
Like the year 1997, knowing I had to bring Tony to the hospital 12/26, knowing he would probably start actively dying, barring a miracle.
The 1995 - last normal Christmas with him hoping the lump would react to the antibiotics he was on. Needless to say, it didn't. The first one without him, in 1998, when I had my first panic attack a few days before, went through the motions, then got the flu with Ashley Christmas night. The Christmas Eve Bo got hit by a car and spent the night in the vet hospital. He was okay though.
I miss when my girls were little and I made yarn loops to count down the days till Santa came. And the Advent calendar, where every year, Ashley ate the whole months worth of chocolate by Dec. 3 and always got a second one. Wonder why she's spoiled. When she climbed on a chair to reach the top of the refrigerator to get the candy.
Tony and I got engaged on Christmas of 1981. Wayne and I got engaged on Christmas of 2006. Those were good ones.
Now I live in a place the both of us can't leave too long, since we have to keep a fire going for survival and heat, we've had trespassers, and the pipes could freeze. And the girls dogs have to be taken care of. It's really hard, and I'm really tired.
So good health, and good luck, and love, is all I wish for. And peace.
Monday, December 5, 2011
Hunting season
Well, the good news is there was very light traffic this morning. The bad news is, that's because it's hunting season. Grown men are out there with guns. And they are not all the brightest bulbs. First of all, why do you need to drive a camo Hummer when you live in suburbia? WTF do you think you could possibly need that ugly, gas guzzling tank to do for you? Get a good spot at Wal-Mart?
Okay, I know some people hunt to eat. Not talking about them. (Also, I believe that is one percent, if that). Why yes, bears can be a nuisance and a few of them are aggressive. HELLO???? Have you met the population? Of people? MOST of them are a nuisance, and many of them are aggressive. When do I get to sit in a tree and pick them off? Never - that's murder.
And the deer are going to be hit by cars. Well, the people are going to die of something too. Start loading! And I know from last year that the geniuses set up a "weigh station" or whatever the hell you call it, at the most congested traffic light on my way home. So yes, again, it's all about me. I do not want to sit in traffic, but I REALLY don't want to watch these Bubbas with their dead trophies.
I see the wildlife on my property, and it is so awesome. The thought of killing any of them for sport makes me want to vomit. It isn't nature - that takes care of itself. It's morons who think they are manly by killing. Not so different from some of those in prison. Shit. I hate this time of year. "Peace on earth, good will toward man, now ready, aim, fire."
Okay, I know some people hunt to eat. Not talking about them. (Also, I believe that is one percent, if that). Why yes, bears can be a nuisance and a few of them are aggressive. HELLO???? Have you met the population? Of people? MOST of them are a nuisance, and many of them are aggressive. When do I get to sit in a tree and pick them off? Never - that's murder.
And the deer are going to be hit by cars. Well, the people are going to die of something too. Start loading! And I know from last year that the geniuses set up a "weigh station" or whatever the hell you call it, at the most congested traffic light on my way home. So yes, again, it's all about me. I do not want to sit in traffic, but I REALLY don't want to watch these Bubbas with their dead trophies.
I see the wildlife on my property, and it is so awesome. The thought of killing any of them for sport makes me want to vomit. It isn't nature - that takes care of itself. It's morons who think they are manly by killing. Not so different from some of those in prison. Shit. I hate this time of year. "Peace on earth, good will toward man, now ready, aim, fire."
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
I'm so happy to help you!
Why do some people think they are entitled to everything? If a doctor has about 600 patients, why should the lowly office manager remember the details of 600 insurance plans? You have ONE insurance - if you can't keep track of it, how the hell do you think I can?
And leaving a voice mail, with no phone number, and identifying yourself as "Mary". Oh gee, that narrows it way down! And make sure you speak so slowly through the message, with every boring fact that has nothing to do with the call; then, when you are going to leave your call back number, babble it so fast that I have to replay the message from hell three times to get your number!
Then, call at 9 and ask a standard, non-urgent, question. Then, call back at 9:10 to see what the Dr. said. The doctor said nothing!!The doctor is seeing patients and doesn't need to be alerted to your call. Everyone is so me-me-me.
And I'm not talking about sick people. Really sick people will get the attention they deserve; they also are the ones who are "sorry to bother you, but since my arm is falling off, can I come in next week sometime?" Whereas the grown men who wake up with a runny nose need to be seen ASAP!! "How long has your throat been sore?" "Since I woke up!!" Have a lozenge and drink some tea.
Do not describe your bowel movements to the receptionist when you call. Especially since you think it's connected to your runny nose. It isn't.
And when you are 40 years old, do NOT have your mommy make your appointment. I then ask "How old is little Johnny?" and the mother says "40, but he's young for his age". Make that stupid for any age.
And please don't ask me why the law can't change so that we keep only YOUR chart way longer than seven years. It is seven years since we last had contact with you. So if you call in 2002, then call back in 2011, don't act like we have lost the secrets to the universe.
And, one more thing. Don't call me to ask if your prescription is ready. Do we look like a pharmacy? Do we sell candy and cigarettes? How about you call the pharmacy? They should know if they have filled your prescription.
Okay, time to smile and deal with it all!
And leaving a voice mail, with no phone number, and identifying yourself as "Mary". Oh gee, that narrows it way down! And make sure you speak so slowly through the message, with every boring fact that has nothing to do with the call; then, when you are going to leave your call back number, babble it so fast that I have to replay the message from hell three times to get your number!
Then, call at 9 and ask a standard, non-urgent, question. Then, call back at 9:10 to see what the Dr. said. The doctor said nothing!!The doctor is seeing patients and doesn't need to be alerted to your call. Everyone is so me-me-me.
And I'm not talking about sick people. Really sick people will get the attention they deserve; they also are the ones who are "sorry to bother you, but since my arm is falling off, can I come in next week sometime?" Whereas the grown men who wake up with a runny nose need to be seen ASAP!! "How long has your throat been sore?" "Since I woke up!!" Have a lozenge and drink some tea.
Do not describe your bowel movements to the receptionist when you call. Especially since you think it's connected to your runny nose. It isn't.
And when you are 40 years old, do NOT have your mommy make your appointment. I then ask "How old is little Johnny?" and the mother says "40, but he's young for his age". Make that stupid for any age.
And please don't ask me why the law can't change so that we keep only YOUR chart way longer than seven years. It is seven years since we last had contact with you. So if you call in 2002, then call back in 2011, don't act like we have lost the secrets to the universe.
And, one more thing. Don't call me to ask if your prescription is ready. Do we look like a pharmacy? Do we sell candy and cigarettes? How about you call the pharmacy? They should know if they have filled your prescription.
Okay, time to smile and deal with it all!
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
I am not kidding
I am on hold with Horizon, trying to get the 2.00 owed to us on a claim. Swear to you, my representative's first name is Bon Jovi. I just give up. Are things this bad? Have they run out of all other names to make up? Can I get Cher please??
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